Philosophers World Cup: Group Stage – June 18

Welcome to the seventh day of the Philosophers World Cup. Today’s matches include Australia vs Netherlands, Spain vs Chile, and Cameroon vs Croatia. Below, you can find match reports and scores. As always, refer to the introduction for what this feature series is about.




Australia vs Netherlands

Australia was upset by Chile in their first match while the Netherlands choked away a two-goal lead in the second half to draw Spain. Netherlands are the favorite here, even more so that random lot determined that the match will take place using the German corpus.

First Half: David Chalmers (AUS) vs Menno Simons (NED)

The Australians start the match feeling reasonably confident, with the bad-boy of contemporary philosophy (to the extent that contemporary philosophy can have bad-boys) David Chalmers making his presence known early. Standing in his way is the founder of the Mennonite religious group, Menno Simmons. As the half goes on, it becomes apparent that the Australians have misplaced their confidence in an analytic philosopher who is unable to keep pace with the serene Simmons.

First Half Goals: Australia 0, Netherlands 2


Second Half: J. L. Mackie (AUS) vs Desiderius Erasmus (NED)

Despite Chalmers’ zombie-like performance in the first half, Australia returns to analytic philosophy in the second half, with several of their set pieces featuring J. L. Mackie in a major role. Meanwhile, the Dutch decide to discard the kid gloves and let famed striker Erasmus pick apart the Australian defense almost singlehandedly. Not only does the end of the second half mark the end of the match, but also the mathematical end of the Australian side. In a result that surprises absolutely no one, the Netherlands wins big.

Second Half Goals: Australia 0, Netherlands 2


Final Score:
Australia  0 – 4  Netherlands

Spain vs Chile

This all Spanish matchup features surprise group leader Chile and heavily-favored Spain.

First Half: Baltasar Gracián (ESP) vs Eduardo Carrasco (CHI)

Though Gracián is better known for the Germans that he inspired rather than for his own ideas, he plays marvelously in the first half. Gracián orchestrates two goals for Spain, while Chile is thus far unable to play the role of spoiler as they had done against Australia in their first match.

First Half Goals: Spain 2, Chile 0


Second Half: Francisco Suárez (ESP) vs Claudio Véliz (CHI)

In a display of quintessential Spanish tactics, they rely principally on a scholastic theologian in the second half. Meanwhile, Chile turn to imperialist apologist Claudio Véliz in effort to earn a draw. However, Spain’s theologians prove to be too much for the Chileans to handle, adding another two goals.

Second Half Goals: Spain 2, Chile 0


Final Score:
Spain  4 – 0  Chile

Cameroon vs Croatia

This match is thought to be inconsequential, but both teams are looking to at least leave the World Cup with some points. Croatia get a big break when it is revealed that this match will take place in the German corpus

First Half: Jean Marc Ela(CMR) vs Ivo Goldstein(CRO)

Both teams look a bit too eager in the first half, with the liberation theology of Ela clashing against the work of Byzantine historian Goldstein. As the match drags on, Ela appears to become fatigued, allowing Goldstein to strike from the wings and net two goals.

First Half Goals: Cameroon 0, Croatia 2


Second Half: Jean-Godefroy Bidima(CMR) vs Nada Klaic(CRO)

Perhaps noticing the success they had with a historian in the first half, Croatia turns to yet another historian to mark Cameroonian player Bidima in the second half. Both players perform very poorly and no further goals are scored. This suits Croatia just fine, as it allows them to escape with a 2-0 win.

Second Half Goals: Cameroon 0, Croatia 0


Final Score:
Cameroon  0 – 2  Croatia


Cameroon and Australia are eliminated from the Philosophers World Cup thanks to their loses today. Croatia are thrilled merely to have some points as they are expected to lose handily to Mexico in their next match. However, Croatia’s win today means that they will advance to the knockout stage with a victory over Mexico. Spain and the Netherlands did what was expected of them, each winning 4-0. Goal differential will decide the winner of Group B, barring a massive upset of the Netherlands by Chile. In fact, Chile has an outside chance of at least limiting the Netherlands to fewer than four goals, allowing Spain to take the group with a 4-0 win over the absolutely horrid Australian team (for some perspective, the unheralded Cameroonian team have been more competitive than Australia).

Relevant Group Standings
Group A
Brazil 4 pts, +4
Mexico 4 pts, +3
Croatia 3 pts, -2
Cameroon 0 pts, -5

Group B
Spain 4 pts, +4
Netherlands 4 pts, +4
Chile 3 pts, -1
Australia 0 pts, -7

Complete group standings can be viewed here.


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